COST OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN CHILDREN’S LIVES

Mental Health Expert

Heart2Mind

INTRODUCTION

As we know a human being is a social person. We all belong to some group that gives an identity, where we feel safe, recognise and meet our needs, get emotional or mental support, and more. If you think of the most basic or first group in which we live or we are part of it from birth then that is our family.

From the very first moment of life, a child depends on the family and parents for basic needs. Along with family and parents, a child feels safe from any kind of harm which he/she never gets anywhere. At home, a child learns how to express emotions, how to behave in any situation. Children are like sponges, they soak everything from the environment, and many times we forget that they are observing us.

Try to remember which is the most fun, memorable, wonderful and enjoyable time in your life. I am pretty sure childhood is most people’s answer. It is that stage of life in which we all want to go back again but we can’t go back however much we want. Memories related to childhood become the lifelong memory, we can say that good and beautiful childhood memory always brings a wonderful smile on our face. Besides, bad memories stuck with us and haunt us always. These bad memories or worst experiences during childhood can lead to mental and behavioural problems in the future. Ultimately, childhood decides adulthood.

Many people have childhood memories related to domestic violence and physical abuse. These bad memories and experiences severely affect the mental health and behaviour of children. Those who have experienced or are the victims of violence between their parents may lead to long-term mental health and behavioural problems and also may show violence in their relationships.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

The United Nations defines violence against women as “any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual, or mental harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or in private life.”

In simple words, domestic violence refers to the violence that is committed in the form of physical, sexual, psychological abuse by partner, ex-partner, close relatives in the domestic sphere. It is most probably used when the offender and the victim have a close relationship and either there is a difference of power between them, or the victim is up to the perpetrator.

SHORT TERM EFFECTS ON CHILDREN

Children who experienced violence against one of their parents and see one parent being dominated or controlled by the other, those children experience fearf, anxiousness, and insecurity. These short-term effects can vary which depends on their age and gender.

Younger or preschool children: They become anxious and have difficulty about the separation of the abused parent and they always try to give excuses to avoid the separation. They behave like they are younger than their age to get their parents’ attention like wetting the bed, crying, body aches, afraid of sleeping alone, being alone, stuttering, etc.

Older or school-aged children: Older children show low self-esteem are unable to make friends easily, and avoid being a part of any circle around them.

Older boys express their feelings outwardly, becoming disobedient, hostile, aggressive, showing risk-taking behaviour, alcohol addiction. Sometimes they show violent behaviour that they see in their family. It is very likely that they sow antisocial behaviour in the future.

On the other hand, school-age or older girls try to hide their feelings. They show hesitation, depression, nervousness, and anxiety in their behaviour. Most children show symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder such as flashbacks, nightmares, body aches, etc. They also skip their classes and perform poorly in their school activities.

LONG TERM EFFECTS ON CHILDREN

As we know, that children learn from their families so, boys who have witnessed violence in their families repeat it with their wives, what they learn from their fathers. Whereas women learn to accept it without any backlash from their mothers. Children who witness any form of abuse are at greater risk of health problems as adults. These can include mental health conditions, such as depression, anger, anxiety, dissociation, mood swings, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), shame, self-destructive behaviour, trust issues. Physical health problems include such as obesity, heart diseases, diabetes, etc.

It is not necessary that every child repeats or accepts this abusive behaviour with their partner. Some children notice abusive behaviour and don’t like it, so they never want to repeat it and always try to avoid it.

HOW CAN HELP ANY CHILD TO RECOVER AFTER WITNESSING OR EXPERIENCING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

Responses and recovery to domestic violence can vary from child to child. Some children are more resilient, and some are more sensitive.

Most of the children never forget what they see or experience during abuse. Instead, with the passage of time and as they mature, they learn healthier ways of dealing with their feelings and memories. The sooner a child gets help, the more likely he or she is to become a mentally and physically healthy adult.

We can help children by:

• Providing opportunities or environments for revealing the painful secret of experiencing domestic violence or abusive relationships: This is the very first and important step because to help someone we must be aware of his/her problems. Unless victims are willing to share or reveal their secrets or problems, it becomes very difficult to solve or help them. So, we should provide such an environment or opportunity in which the victim can share his/her problems comfortably.

• Give them a sense of security: Children who witness or experience domestic violence may feel lonely, isolated and helpless, so there is a great need to provide them with a sense of security. Consider what steps or decisions might help your child feel safe, such as continuing with this abusive relationship or leaving it. Also, discuss with your child what he/she thinks or wants about it.

• Talk to them about their fears: Children are innocent but not mature enough to understand abusive relationships and domestic violence and their causes. They use their own perception, so some of them may blame themselves, feel shameful, guilty, and confused. It is our responsibility to talk to them about their fears, their feelings. Tell them it is not their fault.

• Tell them about a good relationship: Help them to know what are and are not healthy relationships, what are signs and symbols of a healthy relationship, what are the benefits and needs of a healthy relationship etc. This will help them to know what a healthy relationship is and why it is needed. Whenever they start a romantic relationship of their own, they will enforce it.

• Tell them about their and others’ boundaries: As we know, it is the responsibility of the parents to teach their child to differentiate or recognize between good or bad. They should provide all possible help for the all-round development of the child. By doing this they will prepare their child for their future life, it will help their child to adjust to any situation, it will enable them to solve their upcoming problems and it will give their child a healthy and happy personality.

 Teach your child that no one has the right to show any violence or any form of abusive behaviour or make him/her feel uncomfortable, including all family members, teachers, coaches, or other authority or respected figures. Teach him/her that he/she has a right to say no or stop this. Also, teach your child that he or she does not have the right to humiliate others or show any abusive behaviour towards others. And if someone tells him/her to stop, he/she should respect others’ rights and never should cross his/her limits.

• Provide or find reliable help for the child: In addition to parents, school counselors, a therapist, any friends, close relatives, any trusted adult who can provide ongoing support. Teachers and school counselors have a responsibility to observe deeply their students and try to identify hidden symptoms and causes of any behavioural problems. If they suspect any violence or abusive behaviour, it is their responsibility to provide immediate assistance or take immediate action for them.

• Arrange professional help for the child: Sometimes victims avoid disclosing their fears, experiences, and secrets regarding domestic violence. In these types of situations, professionals will help you. They are well trained, educated and experienced to provide therapy in a confidential environment to the victims of long- or short-term behavioural and mental health problems. They get help in respectful and effective ways and without judgment. Therapy often works best for both abusers and victims who sincerely wish to stop it.

One of the most important and helpful tools that may work best for children who have experienced violence or abuse is cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). This is especially helpful for children who have anxiety, mood disturbances, or other mental health and behavioral problems. During this psychotherapy, a therapist will work with your child to change negative thoughts into more positive ones. It also helps to identify thoughts and their effects on our lives. Hence, it helps your child learn to handle or overcome his/her distorted thinking patterns. Along with this, the therapist can also help your child learn healthy and effective ways to cope with stress.

CONCLUSION

• Domestic violence is not only a way of inflicting physical or mental torture on the victim, but it is also a way to control the life of the victim or victims.

• Low self-esteem, extreme jealousy, difficulty handling anger, and any number of other strong emotions may cause one partner to show domestic violence towards the other partner, or when they feel inferior or superior in education and socioeconomic background.

• A child or adult who has experienced this domestic violence is more likely to develop short-term or long-term effects. They can also show mental health problems and behavioural problems such as depression and dissociation, mood disorders, anxiety, PTSD, low self-esteem, and so on.

• Some of the most important and basic ways to help victims are to give them a sense of security, to listen without judgment, to console them and to support them in every possible way. Importantly, all these methods are not possible unless the victim admits to domestic violence.

• The main objective of this blog is to make you aware of the lives of children facing domestic violence. Because whenever you suspect that someone is a victim of domestic violence, you may feel clueless or helpless about the best way to help. Don’t be shy or afraid and don’t hold yourself to wait for the right time and right words, it can stop you from making beautiful changes in someone’s painful life.